My baby, my little argumentitve, stubborn, blondie,  my love,  has turned five years old.   What, I ask do I do with a five year old?  I had a hard time with the four year old version of my daughter.  Not that there weren't some of the best games of who loves who more during this time.  I cherish this girl....  She is just so damned smart, and persistant.

I long for simple yes or no answers.   Not the constant barage of ways around my saying NO. (insert first line of defense from the now 5 year old) NO. (next try) NO.(and yet ANOTHER go at it)  NO!    I pissed at this point of the battle!  I am at a loss of willpower, and I often raise my voice, cuz I am fucking frustrated!  So,  either I give in, or she throws a fit.   Good times, yo!

Anyway....at five, my daughter loves to ride her bike up and down the sidewalk with the neighbor kids.  She loves swimming, she loves being in the water.  She loves drawing and coloring, and is delighted when she can sound out letters to read a word.  I am delighted with that also!   She loves skirts, and dresses.  She wont let me cut her hair, her blond curls hang down in her eyes.   She loves, loves, loves her dog.      And, she loves me.  One hundred million times to the moon and back.

Thank God.  Thank God for that little girl and her love for me.  

 Vague memories, glimpses of time lost.  The baby of the family, the 4th and last child.  Grew up in a town of 300 people, my parents had a little grocery store there that was my world as a small child. 

This was a time I treasured, I'm sure, because it was the only time I had my parents to myself..  and a few customers..  This is the time I remember the most attention from my Dad.  I loved hanging with him, back in his office, or in the basement planting plants, listening to Karma Chameleon over and over.  Watching him make hamburger, and butcher cuts of meat.   I dusted cans for my Mom, and bagged groceries, or ran errands to the bank or post office.   A special time in my life...then school came along, and summer breaks.

Summer breaks..  completely free to roam.  I remember having little supervision during the days when my parents worked at the store.  We played until dark.  We got dirty, we had wars with each other.  We formed clubs, built tree houses.  My brother and I fought.  He taught me to run, to hide, to hit back, and to cry.  He taught me to climb up a tree, and down a rope.  He taught me that I could feel his love and protection one day, and have him turn on me the next.  He taught me, as a five or six year old, what it felt like to be scared, and ashamed.  I, and the neighbor boy had kissed, experimented.  Copying something seen on tv I'm sure.   That little bit of info my brother had on me, kept me in his grips, and he used it frequently to get me to do his bidding.  I was just a kid. 

Whoa, shit just got deep huh?????    There is no transition from that last paragraph.   That's the end.   For now.


  

You know how the littlest things start piling up, and you feel like you are losing it, going under?  Like bills.   Like stress.   Like anger.  Like bitterness.  The feeling of being consumed, and overtaken by life.   

I feel like that.  For the last week or so, I have been in panic mode.  Of course, everyone deals with this shit.  Or some of it, at sometime.  I'm no different, and things could be worse.   They have been worse.  

I've fed the bitterness to the anger.  I fed the anger, to the self-pity.  I let it overtake me, (I add in blame for weakness, due to PMS here) .  Yeah this week has sucked. I have whined, and I hate whiners.   I have complained, and definately made a fool of myself, by puking out vile words, and pulling juvenile shit.   I really dont care.   It happens.  I called up one of my bff s and put in a request for a bitch slap.  She has it handled.  lol  As usual..   I can call her for a slap to the face anytime.  ha 

Time to pick myself up, kick my ass a little bit.  Get over it!!  Shit will work out. 

I turned 33 Monday, June 11.  My daughter, will be 5 in a few weeks.   I want to rock this summer, and feel good, and not crumble down around some pity pile of bullshit on the floor.    

Lets do this baby!

Well, I haven't actually had the balls to post anything up here yet.   Its sort of daunting, trying to sort myself out, and my dreams, and my hopes for my kids future ...

My daughter, yesterday had a rough day, she was feeling sad for three reasons.  One being she had to take a bath.  Two, I threw away two of her rubber ducky bath toys, and three, being the most heartbreaking, she misses her Daddy.  Now, her daddy, is not a nice man, but I cannot deny the bond they share.   The love they share.  I currently do not know where her dad lives, as he refuses to divulge that info...  He pays no child support, he has been in prison, and jail during my daughters short life.  He has missed so much.  Yet, she misses him. 

I also have to explain a new girlfriend, and that is where I believe her Dad to be living, that he has moved from the only home of his she knew.   The tears fell into the bathwater, and I could see everything on her face.  How she doesn't understand so much, yet everything she feels! How it hurts her that he isnt living with her... how it hurts her that I, and her Dad cannot live together....that we fight horribly, and violently.    

I pray for her.  I pray for me, that I (and my awesome family) can provide her the stability she needs to thrive.. The love, we got covered.